Writing to the people you love: what research says about emotional wellbeing
Writing to someone you love, whether it is a gratitude letter or a few honest pages about what you have lived through, gives a small but measurable lift to your emotional wellbeing, and the person who reads it is usually happier than you expect. It is not therapy and it does not replace professional help, but it is one of the best-studied wellbeing practices there is, and all it asks of you is twenty minutes and a little nerve.
Where expressive writing started
Most of the research traces back to one small experiment. In 1986, James Pennebaker and Sandra Beall at Southern Methodist University asked 46 undergraduates to write for 15 minutes on four consecutive days. Some wrote about trivial topics. Others wrote about upsetting or traumatic experiences from their own lives, and one of those groups covered both the facts and their feelings.
The results, published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology, cut both ways. Right after writing, the group that explored facts and emotions had higher blood pressure and worse moods. Over the next six months, though, they made fewer visits to the campus health center. The authors themselves called the findings preliminary.
That method became known as expressive writing: writing freely, for a short stretch on several days, about what really matters to you. By 2006 it had been tested in at least 146 randomized studies.
How much it actually helps
The honest answer is: a little. One of the largest reviews is Joanne Frattaroli's 2006 meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin, which pooled 146 randomized studies. Writing (or, in some studies, talking) about personal experiences had a positive, statistically significant effect, with an average size of r = .075.
By psychology's standards that is small. It means expressive writing helps some people somewhat, under some conditions. It does not transform life for everyone who tries it.
It also does not work everywhere. In a 2002 study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Margaret Stroebe and colleagues randomly assigned recently bereaved people to Pennebaker's writing task or to no writing. The writing did not reduce their distress or their doctor visits, either right away or six months later.
When the letter has a reader: gratitude
Expressive writing is addressed to yourself. A gratitude letter is addressed to someone else, and the research on it tells a slightly different story.
In 2005, Martin Seligman, Tracy Steen, Nansook Park and Christopher Peterson reported an online experiment in American Psychologist that tested five wellbeing exercises against a control. Of 577 people who started, 411 completed every follow-up. One exercise was the "gratitude visit": write a letter to someone who had been especially kind to you but whom you had never properly thanked, then deliver it in person within a week.
It produced the largest positive changes in the whole study. People were happier and less depressed one week and one month later. By three months, the effect had faded.
Steven Toepfer, Kelly Cichy and Patti Peters tried a longer version, published in the Journal of Happiness Studies in 2012. In their study of 219 people, those who wrote three gratitude letters over three weeks, compared with those who did not write, gained in happiness and life satisfaction and showed fewer depressive symptoms.
A 2016 meta-analysis by Don E. Davis and colleagues in the Journal of Counseling Psychology adds perspective. Compared with other activities, gratitude exercises gave a small edge in psychological wellbeing (d = .17). Against other active psychological exercises, they worked as well, not better.
The recipient will feel better than you think
Many letters never get written because we fear making things awkward. Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago tested that fear in three experiments published in Psychological Science in 2018. Writers predicted how their recipients would feel, and then the recipients reported how they actually felt.
The writers got it wrong in a consistent direction. They underestimated how surprised and how good the recipient would feel, and overestimated the awkwardness. That error, the authors argue, keeps people from doing something that lifts both sides.
The same idea at the end of life: dignity therapy
Harvey Chochinov, a psychiatrist at the University of Manitoba, built a clinical version of this practice for palliative care. In dignity therapy, a trained professional interviews a person about what matters most to them and what they want remembered. The conversation is transcribed and edited into a document they can leave to family.
In the first study, published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology in 2005, 91% of participants said they were satisfied and 81% said it had helped or would help their family. The randomized trial that followed, published in The Lancet Oncology in 2011 with 441 patients, found no difference in distress levels between groups. Even so, patients who received dignity therapy were more likely to say it had helped, improved their quality of life and changed how their family saw and appreciated them.
The lesson matches the gratitude research. Putting what you want to say into words matters to you and to the people who receive it, even when it does not cure suffering.
What writing is not
Writing is not a treatment for depression, anxiety or complicated grief. If you have felt deeply sad for weeks, have stopped sleeping or eating, or cannot function after a loss, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional. If you are thinking about harming yourself, contact your local emergency services right away.
Keep Pennebaker and Beall's finding in mind too: feeling worse right after writing about something painful is normal. If a topic overwhelms you, switch to another one or stop.
A simple 20-minute method
The 1986 study used 15-minute sessions over four days. Here is a practical version for a single letter:
- Choose the person. Someone who shaped your life and has never fully heard what you feel.
- Find a quiet spot and set a 20-minute timer. Put your phone away.
- Write without editing for the first 10 minutes. Ignore spelling and order.
- Be specific. A day, a sentence, a gesture. "Thanks for everything" says less than "thank you for waiting up for me the night of the accident."
- Use the last 10 minutes to shape it. Reread and keep what sounds like you.
- Let it sit for a day before you decide what to do with it.
Gratitude letter prompts
- What did this person do for you that they may not even remember?
- When did you realize what they meant to you?
- What did you learn from them that you still use?
- What did you want to say at a specific moment and never did?
- What do you hope for in their life over the next few years?
- If they read this ten years from now, what would you want them to know?
Give it now or save it for later?
If the person is nearby, the evidence favors giving it soon. Seligman's gratitude visit included delivering the letter in person, and Kumar and Epley found that recipients take it better than writers expect.
Some letters belong to another day, though: a parent's letter for a daughter's eighteenth birthday, or a few words meant for after you are gone. Waiting does not make them worth less, and the same goes for a letter to your future self. Writing the letter helps you now, and receiving it on the right day can mean a great deal to the person who opens it.
If you want it to arrive later
That is what Rememver is for. Record a private video message and choose when it arrives: on a date you pick, or after your passing, once the people you trust confirm it. You can add a written message to go with the video.
Whichever way you go, the research points somewhere simple: write the letter. You will probably feel a little better, and whoever reads it will likely be gladder than you imagined.
Sources
- Confronting a traumatic event: Toward an understanding of inhibition and disease (Pennebaker and Beall, 1986), Journal of Abnormal Psychology
- Experimental disclosure and its moderators: A meta-analysis (Frattaroli, 2006), Psychological Bulletin
- Does disclosure of emotions facilitate recovery from bereavement? Evidence from two prospective studies (Stroebe et al., 2002), Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology
- Positive psychology progress: Empirical validation of interventions (Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson, 2005), American Psychologist
- Letters of gratitude: Further evidence for author benefits (Toepfer, Cichy and Peters, 2012), Journal of Happiness Studies
- Thankful for the little things: A meta-analysis of gratitude interventions (Davis et al., 2016), Journal of Counseling Psychology
- Undervaluing gratitude: Expressers misunderstand the consequences of showing appreciation (Kumar and Epley, 2018), Psychological Science
- Dignity therapy: A novel psychotherapeutic intervention for patients near the end of life (Chochinov et al., 2005), Journal of Clinical Oncology
- Effect of dignity therapy on distress and end-of-life experience in terminally ill patients: a randomised controlled trial (Chochinov et al., 2011), The Lancet Oncology
Frequently asked questions
What is expressive writing?
Expressive writing is an exercise in which you write about your deepest thoughts and feelings on something you went through, usually for 15 to 20 minutes on a few consecutive days. Psychologist James Pennebaker developed it in the 1980s. In his 1986 study with Sandra Beall, students who wrote this way made fewer visits to the campus health center over the following six months.
Does expressive writing improve emotional wellness?
It helps, but modestly. Joanne Frattaroli's 2006 meta-analysis in Psychological Bulletin pooled 146 randomized studies of writing (or, in some studies, talking) about personal experiences and found a positive, significant average effect of r = .075, which psychologists consider small. It helps some people under some conditions. It is not a therapy and does not replace care from a mental health professional.
How do you write a gratitude letter?
Pick someone who was especially kind to you and whom you never properly thanked. Describe specifically what they did, when it happened and how it changed your life. Write in the first person and skip generic praise. In the 2005 study by Martin Seligman and colleagues, people wrote the letter and delivered it in person within one week, and the boost in happiness lasted about a month.
Will a gratitude letter make the recipient feel awkward?
Far less than the writer expects. In three experiments published in Psychological Science in 2018, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found that people who wrote gratitude letters overestimated how awkward recipients would feel and underestimated how positive they would feel. The authors suggest this miscalculation keeps many people from expressing gratitude more often.
Can writing help with grief or depression?
There is no evidence that it replaces treatment. In a 2002 study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, Margaret Stroebe and colleagues randomly assigned recently bereaved people to Pennebaker's writing task or to no writing, and the writing did not reduce their distress or doctor visits. If sadness lasts for weeks or keeps you from functioning, talk to a doctor or mental health professional.
Should I give my letter now or save it for a special date?
If the person is nearby and can receive it, giving it soon is usually worth it: in gratitude studies, recipients feel better than writers predict, and writers benefit too. Some letters make more sense later, such as one for a child's eighteenth birthday or a graduation. In that case you can keep the letter for that day or schedule it to arrive on the date you choose.